Why is it that some people’s worlds revolve around drama? Others are so self absorbed that they can’t see beyond their own tunnel vision. Then, there are those who are combinations of both~these are the most challenging individuals with whom to deal.
I have a close friend who is one of these people, he thrives on the drama and makes everything about himself so that people are forced to feel bad for him...until the fog clears and they see the reality of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, my friend is also very funny and sweet and caring. A handful of his friends have just realised that we need to take the good with the bad. Should this be acceptable?Why do we feel the need to tolerate his drama and self-centred behaviour?
Why on earth would someone want drama? Well, it is similar to attention seeking behaviour of a baby or small child. The believe that people will feel sorry for them or people will admire them because they are the first to announce to the entire world that they are sacrificing something to help other people~no one really likes a martyr, do they? I do believe that at different times in our lives, most of us go through this kind of stage~especially as gay individuals i.e. I have had to endure so much suffering because I am gay so please I am begging you to feel sorry for me. Harsh words, I know but I believe it is true for most. Most of us manage to get past that and carve out our own individualities.
This is a very dangerous attitude as after a while, it seems that nothing you will do is actually a sacrifice, it will always seem completely selfish in other people’s eyes. By constantly having issues in ones life, the drama that occurs as a result becomes addictive; thereby craving more and more until one is creating problems himself~simply to continue the drama to which he is addicted.
We may never know why these people really cause these problems, but, in the end they will be forced to deal with it alone, as they will inevitably alienate those around them. Perhaps they will grow out of it, perhaps they will carve their own niches in the world...the only thing we can be sure of, is that time will determine the outcome.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Is enough ever really enough?
Summer is approaching, clothing is becoming tighter and in some cases, clothing is removed almost entirely. It is also the time of year that gay men can begin to show off those glistening winter muscles so much easier. In other words, the smell of sex permeates the air~in Seoul, that is a great feat as there are some serious smells with which to compete. As the smell of sex fills the air, you can just imagine the smells that are being whiffed behind closed doors. The smell of latex and rubber and leather and that does not evening begin to get into substances and the smells naturally coming from the body. With all of these items used in some gay men’s sexploitations, one begins to wonder. Is enough really ever enough?
As I am still relatively new to the gay scene and my experiences are still far more limited than anyone else I know, both sexually and socially. Maybe there is a subset of gay men who have had so much experience that nothing satisfies them anymore. I suspect these are also the men who have their unlimited amounts of toys, their cockrings, their poppers and their bareback sex parties....all I can say on that topic is, “There but for the grace of God go I”. I won’t judge, but, it is simply not ‘my thing’. Not yet, but, who knows what will come one day.
Are these sexual practices what every gay man has to look forward to as middle and old age approach? What makes gay men feel that it is acceptable to participate in such things as bareback parties? I often wonder what happened in between the time that nervousness found two young men fumbling around in the dark to one of those same men, a little older and far more experienced in a room filled with 20 or more strange, naked men; ready to penetrate or be penetrated by anyone willing and able.
As I look through profiles on gay websites, I read about people listing sexual practices such as: Anal, autoasphyxiation, Bondage, CBT, Exhibitionists, Fisting, Groups, Kissing, Masters & Dogs, Masters & Slaves, Oral, Outdoor, Outdoor Sex, S&M, Sauna/Bath Houses, Shaving, Spanking, Threesomes, Vacuum Pumping, Vanilla, Verbal/Gob, Watersports. I am not lying when I say that these interests were from one guy’s profile and one guy only. Where does it all end? How does one decide to try autoasphyxiation, for example? How can one list watersports and vanilla sex both as sexual interests?
Perhaps I am a prude or a romantic or maybe I am simply naive, but is all of this necessary? Gay men are risking their lives, their pride and their dignity all in the name of sex. Why? Do the straight people of the world have it right? Get married, the sex wears off and eventually one of them may decide to have an affair. How many straight men, when cheating or even as single men, are actually participating in a fraction of similar sexually ‘avante garde’ practices as gay men? I would imagine very very few. So, why are gay men participating in these sexual acts? How long will they do so? And more importantly what sexual activity will be the limit for a man into autoasphyxiation? When does he finally say enough is enough?
(summer '07)
As I am still relatively new to the gay scene and my experiences are still far more limited than anyone else I know, both sexually and socially. Maybe there is a subset of gay men who have had so much experience that nothing satisfies them anymore. I suspect these are also the men who have their unlimited amounts of toys, their cockrings, their poppers and their bareback sex parties....all I can say on that topic is, “There but for the grace of God go I”. I won’t judge, but, it is simply not ‘my thing’. Not yet, but, who knows what will come one day.
Are these sexual practices what every gay man has to look forward to as middle and old age approach? What makes gay men feel that it is acceptable to participate in such things as bareback parties? I often wonder what happened in between the time that nervousness found two young men fumbling around in the dark to one of those same men, a little older and far more experienced in a room filled with 20 or more strange, naked men; ready to penetrate or be penetrated by anyone willing and able.
As I look through profiles on gay websites, I read about people listing sexual practices such as: Anal, autoasphyxiation, Bondage, CBT, Exhibitionists, Fisting, Groups, Kissing, Masters & Dogs, Masters & Slaves, Oral, Outdoor, Outdoor Sex, S&M, Sauna/Bath Houses, Shaving, Spanking, Threesomes, Vacuum Pumping, Vanilla, Verbal/Gob, Watersports. I am not lying when I say that these interests were from one guy’s profile and one guy only. Where does it all end? How does one decide to try autoasphyxiation, for example? How can one list watersports and vanilla sex both as sexual interests?
Perhaps I am a prude or a romantic or maybe I am simply naive, but is all of this necessary? Gay men are risking their lives, their pride and their dignity all in the name of sex. Why? Do the straight people of the world have it right? Get married, the sex wears off and eventually one of them may decide to have an affair. How many straight men, when cheating or even as single men, are actually participating in a fraction of similar sexually ‘avante garde’ practices as gay men? I would imagine very very few. So, why are gay men participating in these sexual acts? How long will they do so? And more importantly what sexual activity will be the limit for a man into autoasphyxiation? When does he finally say enough is enough?
(summer '07)
Breaking Up
(written summer '07)
It seems to me that gay men are remarkable at getting over break-ups and moving on. Or is that just the gay men who have dated me? I constantly see men ending relationships and moving on within weeks. Are they really over the relationship or are they just looking for someone new for sex and to cure their fear of being alone?
I believe that if you do not give a relationship proper grieving time, you don’t truly get over it, you just carry that pain over to the next relationship and the same applies for the next relationship after that. In theory, this means that you are bringing the pain, issues etc. into your next relationship, so you are going to bed with all of your previous partners while sharing a bed with the current partner. When one is finally alone, the pain from all past relationships builds up and makes it impossible for you to have a healthy relationship until the relationship ghosts are finally put to rest.
Some people say that it takes half the time that you were in the relationship, (1 year relationship=6 months of getting-over time). Others say a year, depending on the length of the relationship. Clearly, there is no real formula to determine this. If there was really an accurate mathematical formula determining this, I believe the whole world would know about it and there would be parties to celebrate these days and there would be spas you could go to where you could recharge your batteries until April 18th comes along
A year ago, to this very day, my first and longest relationship ended. I was devastated but still quickly moved onto new relationships. Since then, I have been in one serious relationship and a couple minor ones. I was still never really over my first relationship. In the past four months, since my most recent ex and I split, I have done some real grieving for both serious relationships. About two weeks ago, my first boyfriend and I met and he alluded to the idea of getting back together, we kissed and I finally felt nothing. This was one of the most joyful experiences I have ever felt. Although, it does raise an interesting point, it had been very close to one year that this occurred and perhaps that does mean that it takes a year or maybe it takes the full length of the relationship to really get over it. That particular relationship did, in fact, last a year.
The loss of a relationship can be similar to the loss of a loved one, depending on the circumstances, and each relationship deserves a mourning period. While there is no way anyone can determine what is the appropriate time to grieve for the loss of the relationship, a time will come when you will be able to move on and have the opportunity to fully share your love with someone new. A fresh heart and a fresh start.
It seems to me that gay men are remarkable at getting over break-ups and moving on. Or is that just the gay men who have dated me? I constantly see men ending relationships and moving on within weeks. Are they really over the relationship or are they just looking for someone new for sex and to cure their fear of being alone?
I believe that if you do not give a relationship proper grieving time, you don’t truly get over it, you just carry that pain over to the next relationship and the same applies for the next relationship after that. In theory, this means that you are bringing the pain, issues etc. into your next relationship, so you are going to bed with all of your previous partners while sharing a bed with the current partner. When one is finally alone, the pain from all past relationships builds up and makes it impossible for you to have a healthy relationship until the relationship ghosts are finally put to rest.
Some people say that it takes half the time that you were in the relationship, (1 year relationship=6 months of getting-over time). Others say a year, depending on the length of the relationship. Clearly, there is no real formula to determine this. If there was really an accurate mathematical formula determining this, I believe the whole world would know about it and there would be parties to celebrate these days and there would be spas you could go to where you could recharge your batteries until April 18th comes along
A year ago, to this very day, my first and longest relationship ended. I was devastated but still quickly moved onto new relationships. Since then, I have been in one serious relationship and a couple minor ones. I was still never really over my first relationship. In the past four months, since my most recent ex and I split, I have done some real grieving for both serious relationships. About two weeks ago, my first boyfriend and I met and he alluded to the idea of getting back together, we kissed and I finally felt nothing. This was one of the most joyful experiences I have ever felt. Although, it does raise an interesting point, it had been very close to one year that this occurred and perhaps that does mean that it takes a year or maybe it takes the full length of the relationship to really get over it. That particular relationship did, in fact, last a year.
The loss of a relationship can be similar to the loss of a loved one, depending on the circumstances, and each relationship deserves a mourning period. While there is no way anyone can determine what is the appropriate time to grieve for the loss of the relationship, a time will come when you will be able to move on and have the opportunity to fully share your love with someone new. A fresh heart and a fresh start.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Pride
Pride. It seems to me that pride is something that one acquires for something one has has actually accomplished. Is it an accomplishment to simply be gay? Today (written summer'07) is Gay Pride Day in Seoul and for many reasons, I will not be a part of it. First and foremost of these reasons and inarguably the most valid is the fact that I am getting over the flu. However, the other reasons, although valid to me, may perhaps not be valid for my friends.
Is being gay something of which we can be proud? I subscribe to the belief that I was born gay and Caucasian and male. Undoubtedly, there are those who oppose this view; the absurdity of someone choosing to be gay is even more absurd than the notion of being proud of being Caucasian or a man or even being gay. It is simply who I am.
I am proud of being a man who tries to be the best man that he can be and I am a man who is proud of wholeheartedly giving myself to the man I love. I am proud of being a good son, a good friend and a good human being. Am I proud of being gay? No. I love who I love and I feel what I feel and I am what I am. Are heterosexual people proud of being heterosexual? I am doubtful that the ‘average Joe’ has ever even contemplated that question.
The gay pride issue, to me, implies that we are less than or different than everyone else; we’re asking for special treatment while demanding equal rights. When we finally achieve equal rights, what then? Do the pride festivities end? That’s highly doubtful, gay pride events are known to be some of the best parties in the world and they bring in way too much money for the people from whom we are demanding equal rights.
Proud? No.
Is being gay something of which we can be proud? I subscribe to the belief that I was born gay and Caucasian and male. Undoubtedly, there are those who oppose this view; the absurdity of someone choosing to be gay is even more absurd than the notion of being proud of being Caucasian or a man or even being gay. It is simply who I am.
I am proud of being a man who tries to be the best man that he can be and I am a man who is proud of wholeheartedly giving myself to the man I love. I am proud of being a good son, a good friend and a good human being. Am I proud of being gay? No. I love who I love and I feel what I feel and I am what I am. Are heterosexual people proud of being heterosexual? I am doubtful that the ‘average Joe’ has ever even contemplated that question.
The gay pride issue, to me, implies that we are less than or different than everyone else; we’re asking for special treatment while demanding equal rights. When we finally achieve equal rights, what then? Do the pride festivities end? That’s highly doubtful, gay pride events are known to be some of the best parties in the world and they bring in way too much money for the people from whom we are demanding equal rights.
Proud? No.
Narrow-Minded vs. Open-Minded
Are there more narrow minded or open minded individuals in the world? I suppose this question is almost directly related to religious and cultural beliefs etc. When one begins to look at the big picture, Christians and Muslims probably make up most of the world's religious beliefs. However, that does not say that all of those people are as narrow minded as one would normally assume~given their views on so many different issues.
I am raising this question based on the amount of gay male Asian friends that I have, friends who will be closeted to their families for eternity at the risk of offending or disappointing or hurting their parents because they are gay~It's not like it is in the US or Canada, gay individuals will lose their families, their friends and their jobs, simply because they are gay. Perhaps this still occurs in some small communities of the US and Canada, but, it is the norm in Korea.
I have one Korean friend who is 'out' to his parents and they support him; however, they also think he is sick and hope that one day he will get better, meet the right girl, settle down and get married. We complain about our lives of living secretly as gay men, but, deep down we know that most of us will be supported by those that we love despite being gay.
In Korea, deep down, on the surface, slightly under the surface and in their faces~it's clear and it's obvious~IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU DO NOT EXIST. In fact, many Koreans believe that homosexuality does not exist and it's understandable to see how they might think that. They cast off those that are gay, often choosing to never communicate with them again and the others remain so deeply in the closet, that their homosexuality does not exist past their secret gay worlds. I can assure you, homosexuality is alive and well in Korea. Even for the foreigners, we risk being terminated from our jobs, if anyone were to find out that we are gay; however, many of us have the comfort of knowing that our friends and families will support us regardless.
I came out in Korea, of all places, it has definitely been an interesting experience but I have received so much love and support from my gay, bi and straight friends and family~both Western and Korean. Yes, I even have straight male Korean friends who know I am gay and love me anyway. It is because of these straight Korean men who love me that I have faith that perhaps, there are more open minded people in the world than there are narrow minded.
I am raising this question based on the amount of gay male Asian friends that I have, friends who will be closeted to their families for eternity at the risk of offending or disappointing or hurting their parents because they are gay~It's not like it is in the US or Canada, gay individuals will lose their families, their friends and their jobs, simply because they are gay. Perhaps this still occurs in some small communities of the US and Canada, but, it is the norm in Korea.
I have one Korean friend who is 'out' to his parents and they support him; however, they also think he is sick and hope that one day he will get better, meet the right girl, settle down and get married. We complain about our lives of living secretly as gay men, but, deep down we know that most of us will be supported by those that we love despite being gay.
In Korea, deep down, on the surface, slightly under the surface and in their faces~it's clear and it's obvious~IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU DO NOT EXIST. In fact, many Koreans believe that homosexuality does not exist and it's understandable to see how they might think that. They cast off those that are gay, often choosing to never communicate with them again and the others remain so deeply in the closet, that their homosexuality does not exist past their secret gay worlds. I can assure you, homosexuality is alive and well in Korea. Even for the foreigners, we risk being terminated from our jobs, if anyone were to find out that we are gay; however, many of us have the comfort of knowing that our friends and families will support us regardless.
I came out in Korea, of all places, it has definitely been an interesting experience but I have received so much love and support from my gay, bi and straight friends and family~both Western and Korean. Yes, I even have straight male Korean friends who know I am gay and love me anyway. It is because of these straight Korean men who love me that I have faith that perhaps, there are more open minded people in the world than there are narrow minded.
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