Breaking Up

(written summer '07)
It seems to me that gay men are remarkable at getting over break-ups and moving on. Or is that just the gay men who have dated me? I constantly see men ending relationships and moving on within weeks. Are they really over the relationship or are they just looking for someone new for sex and to cure their fear of being alone?

I believe that if you do not give a relationship proper grieving time, you don’t truly get over it, you just carry that pain over to the next relationship and the same applies for the next relationship after that. In theory, this means that you are bringing the pain, issues etc. into your next relationship, so you are going to bed with all of your previous partners while sharing a bed with the current partner. When one is finally alone, the pain from all past relationships builds up and makes it impossible for you to have a healthy relationship until the relationship ghosts are finally put to rest.

Some people say that it takes half the time that you were in the relationship, (1 year relationship=6 months of getting-over time). Others say a year, depending on the length of the relationship. Clearly, there is no real formula to determine this. If there was really an accurate mathematical formula determining this, I believe the whole world would know about it and there would be parties to celebrate these days and there would be spas you could go to where you could recharge your batteries until April 18th comes along
A year ago, to this very day, my first and longest relationship ended. I was devastated but still quickly moved onto new relationships. Since then, I have been in one serious relationship and a couple minor ones. I was still never really over my first relationship. In the past four months, since my most recent ex and I split, I have done some real grieving for both serious relationships. About two weeks ago, my first boyfriend and I met and he alluded to the idea of getting back together, we kissed and I finally felt nothing. This was one of the most joyful experiences I have ever felt. Although, it does raise an interesting point, it had been very close to one year that this occurred and perhaps that does mean that it takes a year or maybe it takes the full length of the relationship to really get over it. That particular relationship did, in fact, last a year.
The loss of a relationship can be similar to the loss of a loved one, depending on the circumstances, and each relationship deserves a mourning period. While there is no way anyone can determine what is the appropriate time to grieve for the loss of the relationship, a time will come when you will be able to move on and have the opportunity to fully share your love with someone new. A fresh heart and a fresh start.